Yoga for Non Yogis

I have decided to re-introduce yoga into my weekly workout routines.   With all the aches and pains I am experiencing increasing my mileage in preparation for the 2014 Brooklyn Half Marathon I needed something that would stretch and soothe my muscles.  This month I enrolled in a $50 trial membership at a Bikram Yoga studio in Staten Island.  The best way I can describe it as a 90 minute, fire-hot yoga practice for beginners.  During class last night I observed the temperature spike to 110.5 degrees.  Cozy!  Here is a recap of some the pleasures that await you in this type of yoga practice:

Standing Deep Breathing:

Expect to be so sick of deep breathing by the end.  It’s basically regulated hyperventilating.  Some of the more experienced yogis make the most horrific throat noises doing this; a room full of Darth Vaders.

Half Moon Pose:

Feel like your dislocating your back bending sideways and backwards?  That’s normal! 

Awkward Pose:

Get some squats in!  Oh, and if you think just because your good at squats you will be fine with this posture, first spend 15+ seconds squatting normally, then try squatting on your tippy toes, and then try squatting on your tippy toes with both knees buckled in.  By the end you feel like your hearts going to explode and you want to run screaming out of the room, but you refrain and smile warmly at the teacher, is THIS all you got?

Eagle Pose:

More like twisty pretzel pose.  Snake your arms and legs around each other and then comfortably sit in a pretend chair.  Namaste.

Standing Head to Knee:

Sweat confounds this posture.  I lose my 10 finger foot grip in this posture constantly due to the overwhelming amount of sweat pouring from my body.   For those who are lucky enough to lock one leg out parallel to the floor, it’s still not good enough; your forehead must touch your knee.   While some people may master this simple looking L-shaped pose I resemble a person more intent on getting a sweaty thigh high boot off my leg.  You ladies all know how that looks.

Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose:

It’s fancy for a split.  Place both legs out and try to touch your toes.  4 ft. minimum space between your right and left leg.  This would not be so bad if my feet did not slide out further because of how sweaty my feet get, making it a very painful almost split.  Then put your forehead to the floor.  Nope.

Tree Pose:

I feel like this is one of the signature yoga postures.  Without the aid of one of my hands I cannot keep that one leg up on my thigh like that.  And whoever manages to in class I give a snarky look to.  They deserve it. 

 Toe Stand Pose:

Nope, Nope, Nope.

Dead Body Pose:

Nailed it!

Wind-Removing Pose:

Also known as squishing internal organs pose, but it’s on the floor so I like this one.

 

Cobra Pose:

Lower back trauma.

 

So these are just some scintillating examples of what I go through during these torturous yoga sessions.  Is it unhealthy?  Probably.  Yoga itself is wonderful, however yoga for 90 minutes in 110+ bacteria growing sweatrooms is probably not too good for you.  Like Crossfit, (yes I said it).  But I am stubborn and I need to make back my $50.00 for the month so continue I shall!  After each session all the survivors, I mean class participants, laugh and smile in the locker room applauding each other for not giving the teacher the finger  for saying "LOCK. YOUR. KNEES." one too many times and running out of the studio crying and searching for water.  That being said, it is challenging, and definitely not for everybody.  I do enjoy it, even though I am not good at it.  Kudos to all those love this form of yoga, and practice it religiously.   I envy your rodlike posture and your eternal high spirits, but I will stick to blowing my knees out playing soccer and running ridiculously long distances.

In the end, I guess any type of exercise IS exercise, so pick your poison.   
Namaste